June 5, 2006

Feature
The Cliffhanger Report
by the SMRT-TV Staff

Need to fake some water-cooler chatter? Curious how that show you don't really watch anymore ended up ending? SMRT-TV breaks down the plot twists, character exits, and hot making out found in this year's finales.

Please note that these summaries contain SPOILERS. That's right. SPOILERS. Please don't get annoyed with SMRT-TV for spoiling these shows for you. You were WARNED.

BONES
Dead	Bones's Mom! Turns out her unidentified skull had been just sitting in the Smithphonian's skeleton closet since the early nineties. (They can tell because she was clutching a ticket stub for Andrew Davis's The Fugitive in her skeleton teeth. That means she never lived to see Chain Reaction! At least she was spared something.)
Watch out for that...	Hog-Slaying Stungun! It's the preferred weapon of Mrs. Bones's killer! He's a pig farmer by day, gangland executioner by night! Also, he's in the Federal Witness Protection Program, but Booth finds him and shakes him down anyway, because where his love for Bones is concerned, FBI regulations can suck it.
Miracle of Life	Her parents may be dead, but at least Bones's ne'er-do-well, but oh-so-sensitive older brother is still alive. He's become a carny! Discovering mom's remains prompts a flashback-heavy reconciliation. Their fifth act exchange of "Marco" and "Polo" made me tear up a little.
Make Out!	Bones won't let Booth read the completed manuscript for her new novel, but he sneaks a peek in the denouement. Guess to whom it's dedicated! She might as well have written "Temperance Brennan-Booth" over and over again in ornate cursive on the cover of her Trapper-Keeper.
On the Run	Oh, also, Ma and Pa Brennan were actually counter-culture bank robbers living under assumed identities since Bones was a tot. She's never even known her real name! (I can't remember what her real name is. Intemperance?) In the final moments of the episode, Bones gets a cryptic and threatening voicemail from... her DAD! "Don't look for me!" he orders! HE'S STILL ALIVE! Cliff? Hung!
—Frank Smith

 

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Dead	Alfre Woodard's son -- the creepy murdering one, not the creepy non-murdering one -- in a twist on suicide-by-cop.
Watch out for that...	...Kyle McLachlan! I mean, seriously, watch out for him, Mike Delfino. Just in case he comes out of nowhere with a death car. Oh, and hey, Lynette, don't worry about your husband's bastard daughter and her scheming mother. I'm sure that situation will work out JUST FINE.
Miracle of Life	Oh, Asian maid. You thought you were Gabrielle's slave when you were just in charge of the housekeeping, I bet. Little did you know that the position also required gestation.
Make Out!	"Hi, Bree? I've found the perfect man for you. Good-looking, a little heavy on the smarmy charm, works in the health care industry... Oh, and batshit murdering crazy1"
On the Run	Not Kyle MacLachlin, that's for sure. That motherfucker is stone-cold ready to stay in town. But Alfre and creepy non-murdering son are adios, even though it turns out that the non-murdering son was, you know, non-murdering. But Alfre knows when she's been beat. There's only room for one underused B-list star on this show!
—Liz Shannon MIller

 

GILMORE GIRLS
Dead	Lorelai -- not literally of course, but certainly dead inside! She broke up with her fiance Luke and slept with her baby daddy Christopher! Look at the way she stares blankly at the camera...so sad...
Watch out for that...	New show runner. That show is Amy Sherman-Palladino. Jumping the shark may be inevitable.
Miracle of Life	You know that Lorelei's Luke-won't-marry-me revenge sex with Christopher wasn't protected.
Make Out!	Lane! You're a married woman now, you can probably even hold hands in front of your mother -- although I wouldn't suggest it. Mrs. Kim is still scary even if she let you marry a non-Korean man.
On the Run	Logan! More on the hobble. Suggestion: Don't jump off cliffs because of personal problems. Nonetheless, he is totally in a different country. Not sure how that's going to work next year. Can Rory and Logan last with the Atlantic Ocean in between?
—Alison Veneto

 

GREY'S ANATOMY
Dead	Denny the magical whiny heart patient. Also, Doc, Meredith and Derek's dog. One would think that since Doc was kind of their last shared possession, his death would symbolize some kind of ending to the annoying co dependency and angst between these two. Or, not at all (see below).
Watch out for that...	ROGUE RESIDENT! Realizing that Denny's sort of good health is going to prevent him from getting a heart transplant, pretty pretty Katherine Heigl decides to put HIM to sleep. But just for, like, five minutes (see The Abyss) until the Supreme Transplant Board realizes they'd better get him a new heart. She is a REALLY responsible doctor. (Clearly she saw too many of her Roswell co-stars return from the grave to really comprehend the weightiness of death. And can you blame her?) Astoundingly, the plan works and Denny gets an awesome new organ. Then he asks Katherine Heigl to marry him, even though they've never even done it. Then a blood clot floats to his brain or something and he dies. This SUCKS for Katherine Heigl.
Miracle of Life	Can Derek really save Burke's hand from the nerve damage caused by that gunshot wound? Are those hands ever going to perform surgery again? Chances are they will, now that Cristina is there to hold them.
Make Out!	Meredith and Derek bail on prom to go snog in the boys' locker room, er, some empty doctor's office. They have ALL KINDS of sex. This is BAD because she's Sadie Hawkinsed Dr. O'Donnell and Derek's there with his WIFE (who earlier in the episode opined, "The only people who don't realize Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith.") Meanwhile, George makes out with that sassy nurse, even though he also loves Meredith.
On the Run	Sandra Oh's on the run from watching her boyfriend Dr. Burke have an operation of his own -- on his BEAUTIFUL surgeon's hands! (He might never clutch a scalpel again!) But she feels bad about it later. Katherine Heigl's on the run from her medical career ('cause, remember, she KILLED that dude.) Dr. Alex "The Musketeer" Karev is on the run from, surprisingly, being a total dick all the time, because he actually gives Heigl a big hug when she cries about committing manslaughter. And Meredith's on the run from making a decision. I mean, O'Donnell and Dempsey are both great dancers, but WHO'S GONNA DRIVE HER HOME?
—Frank Smith and Gabi Toth

 

HOUSE, M.D.
Dead	House's patient-of-the-week, eviscerated by a robotic surgery machine operated by House himself! The guy's guts spilled out all over the place! Don't worry, though. House isn't a murderer because IT WAS ALL A HALLUCINATION!
Watch out for that...	Exploding testicle, Chase! When the patient complained of groin pain, Chase went to investigate, only to catch a face-full of exploding man-parts. Of course it's not nearly as gross as it could have been since IT WAS ALL A HALLUCINATION! Oh, and maybe House should have watched out for those two bullets at the start of this episode.
Miracle of Life	Will House survive his shooting? Of course he will. But will he regain the use of his leg or lose his keen mental prowess? Ah, that's what we call a "cliffhanger."
Make Out!	No kissing in the finale, although House did molest Cameron with the aforementioned surgery robot. But it's not creepy and awkward because IT WAS ALL A HALLUCINATION!
On the Run	House seemingly regained the use of his bum leg this episode, so running was certainly something he could've looked forward to, except not really because IT WAS ALL A HALLUCINATION. Maybe next season!
—Jeff Stone

 

LOST
Dead	In flashback, Desmond smashes Clancy Brown's head on a rock. And in the present, it's possible that Desmond, Locke, and Eko all bought it in the explosive finale, but we won't know until next season because even though Charlie returned to camp knowing full-well those guys were all in the hatch, NO ONE BOTHERED TO SEE IF THEY WERE STILL ALIVE. Remember kids, the Lost cast is jerks.
Watch out for that...	Take your pick! 1) That traitor, Michael. 2) Those creepy darts the Others shoot to take out Jack and his team. 3) The giant electromagnetic energy build-up thing that resulted when Desmond activated the fail-safe. 4) That statue with four toes that creeps me the hell out.
Miracle of Life	Uh, the baby's still alive?
Make Out!	Charlie gets a sweet kiss from Claire while Sawyer figures out that when Jack and Kate said they were "caught in a net," it was not a euphemism.
On the Run	That dirty traitor Michael, reunited with Walt and heading off into the horizon on a boat provided by the Others. Of course who knows if they'll really get away, since Desmond's attempt to escape by boat was a complete failure. But then he's Scottish.
—Jeff Stone

 

THE O.C.
Dead	Nope, none here. Nobody dies. Oh, except for MARISSA! In the least shocking death since Chris Farley's, Mischa Barton decided it was better to burn out than to fade away any further into nothingness. Seriously, bitch, eat something.
Watch out for that...	Rape van being driven by your drunk new-ex-boyfriend-skinhead-surfer that runs your old-ex-boyfriend's new old car off the road in a fiery crash!!! But doesn't Marissa (and O.C. fans who've been waiting three stiffly-acted seasons for this) deserve a better death? Like alcohol poisoning or malnourishment or a pool chair bent on revenge? Or perhaps some combination, along the lines of Freddy Rodriguez in Poseidon or Chef on South Park?
Miracle of Life	Coopers are like salamander tails and Sith Lords - when one dies, another emerges. And so Kaitlin (like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen before her) shows up to carry on the tradition of alcoholism, dating psychos, loving and not-loving Ryan Atwood, tossing pool furniture and not eating. The teen is dead, long live the teen. Oh, and it's kinda miraculous that Ryan survives the crash without so much as a makeup smudge, even though the car lands on the driver's side.
Make Out!	For a teen soap, it's surprisingly chaste with no new hookups or rekindlings. Marissa can't even get a kiss before dying. Though, making the last in a long line of horrible decisions, she asks Ryan to stay with her instead of running to get help (slick cliffs have notoriously bad cell reception). And then she dies.
On the Run	Marissa was planning to run away from the pain (thus completing the "Marissa's Got a Gun" song parody from last season's Cliffhanger Report) by sailing on Daddy's boat, but uh, then she died. Since the show's not called The R.I. and nobody else is weaseling out of their contracts, it's unlikely the newly-grads will run off to Brown or RISD or Berkeley or the Sorbonne next season (cut to the Sorbonne, twiddling its thumbs, waiting for Taylor Townsend and Jackie from Veronica Mars to arrive). Instead, they'll probably all wind up at "California University," whose notable alumni include Brandon Walsh, Donna Martin, Steve Sanders, Zack Morris, Kelly Kapowski and Samuel "Screech" Powers. Then again, as long as there are sailboats in the ocean, it's possible Seth Cohen could pull another Pacey Witter.
—Joel Bergen

 

SUPERNATURAL
Dead	For certain: Meg, the show's resident evil pixie, who got a moment of redemption (she was possessed all along, it's cool, she's actually a nice girl) before kicking the bucket. For maybe: Winchesters, party of three (though the smart money says at least two of them are going to be walking out alive -- and probably three, considering Jeffrey Dean Morgan's character on Gray's Anatomy has gone to that great outpatient wing in the sky). For shame: Metallicar! Rest in pieces, little black Impala.
Watch out for that...	Truck! Also, that pesky demon possession.
Miracle of Life	Sammy makes the choice not to kill his father, which is about as life-affirming as the show ever gets. I suppose the real miracle here is that a silly show on the WB actually pulled itself together from lame-ass beginnings for a strong finish. Look forward to seeing you next season on your new network, boys.
Make Out!	I refuse to fill in this box on the grounds that the answer might tend to incriminate me. ...That being said, possessed_John getting all up in Dean's business is totally inappropriately hot. On a less incestuous note, even though she wasn't actually evil, Meg's deadness will now prevent her from becoming Sam's girlfriend and/or the boys' punky female sidekick, both of which could have spelled certain doom for the show.
On the Run	Our pesky über-demon takes off one way, our wounded boys take off another, only to run into each other (heh heh) in the last fifteen seconds of the episode. Rule for life: When you hear 'Bad Moon Rising' playing on the soundtrack, you know the end is comin' soon..
—Whitney Cox

 

VERONICA MARS
Dead	The corpses are starting to pile up on this show. First there's Woody Goodman, blown up by Beaver, who takes a twisterrific suicide dive off the top of the Neptune Grand, and then there's Aaron Echolls, at the hands of Clarence Weidman (CW, hyuk hyuk), at the behest of one Duncan Kane, who might as well be dead since we'll never see him again.
Watch out for that...	...seriously disturbed kid. Seriously, who would have thought that Beaver (sorry, Cassidy) blew up the bus and raped Veronica? Just when you thought all the Season 1 loose ends were neatly tied up. Also, watch out for whatever's in Kendall's briefcase!
Miracle of Life	Duncan and his squickily named baby daughter Lilly are still on the lam, if that counts. And it turns out Jackie has a kid in New York. No season-ending births, though. Unless... there's a baby in the briefcase!
Make Out!	Logan and Veronica! Eeeee!
On the Run	Duncan is going, going, gone! Also, it looks like Weevil's going down for murder, so he might be on the run very soon. Jackie ran to New York and Wallace ran after her, but she'll be staying and he'll be coming back. Plus Neptune High is fading in the distance as the kids will be in college next season. And then there's the briefcase! What's in the briefcase?!
—Erin O'Brien

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