SMRT-TV: The Retroactive Alternative Emmys

July 25, 2005

Feature
The Retroactive Alternative Emmys
by Justin Winters

IS EVERYONE EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW EMMY NOMINATIONS!!! YAAAAAYYY!! IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN!! WE'LL ALL BRING CHIPS AND DIP AND WATCH AND CHEER FOR OUR FAVORITE TV PROGRAMS!! YAY!!! FUN TIMES!!! LET'S DO IT!!!

No? Me Neither. But the list can be found here.

I'm not going to pull the cliche card and say that I don't agree with or appreciate the process of awarding people for art. That's a ludricous thing only a snob or a loser would say. Everyone loves winning things. Don't be fooled by people who say, "It's just an honor to be nominated." It's really more of an honor to get dressed by a stylist and take a drunken limo ride and get out on the red carpet and smile and shake some hands while paparazzi takes pictures of you. Then you get inside and Ray Romano's name gets called instead of yours and that's when the honor turns to seething hate. More of a dishonor if you know what I mean. Personally, drunk and losing to Ray is the worst way to spend a Sunday night.

And then there's HBO. Oh HBO. Far far far up in your ivory tower of premium cabledom. I've never been to the Emmys but I seem to understand that it's like going to see a charity basketball game. HBO is Lebron James and the other networks are a bunch of Make-A-Wish kids just happy to be able to walk on the court. The game starts and Lebron just starts dunking on all the kids' heads. Not regular dunks but insane spinning 360 degree-like dunks. You want to yell, "Nooooo!! Stop Lebron!" But you don't because, hey, Lebron's pretty good. Well, the charity game only happens once a year. So it can't be that bad, right? Fast forward an hour to the end and the score is a thousand to eight and all the Make-A-Wish kids are back in the hospital. That's what the Emmys are like. HBO rules. Everyone else wants to drool. But they can't because they're too dehydrated from chasing after HBO. They're just "happy to be there."

So instead of wasting a bunch of space on who should win or who could win or who will win and why, I'm going to write about those TV series/actors/situations that just never get their due. Yes, I'm talking about "The Retroactive Alternative Emmys!" Enough small talk. Let's start handing out some (imaginary) awards!

Damn, being dark is hot.

Best Use of Doggie Style Sex In A Series — This has to go to the Season 6 Buffy episode of "Dead Things." People talk about that season being the "dark days" of Buffy. But, as a male, I just gloss over all that and go straight for the good stuff. That one scene was HOT. Is anyone else still thinking about this? I'm glad I didn't have TiVo at the time because I would have broken the machine watching this scene over and over and over. If I ever meet Joss Whedon, I will go all geeky about this episode. Guaranteed.

Best Supporting Excrement In A Series — It's a crime that South Park has never won an Emmy! Again, that's to my knowledge. Which is slim to none considering Emmy winners. But I believe I am correct. It's shameful. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are freaking Terminators in the way they take relevant topics and news stories and shine them through their own quirky hilarious prism. I was in high school when the episode of "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls" first aired. 95% of America was instantly horrified. I was part of the leftover few who saw the humor in it. So I made my own playdoh Mister Hanky and allowed him to do the entire newscast over closed circuit TV one morning in high school. Needless to say, I got detention. But I'll never forget that day.

Best Use of Hypnotism In A Series — I'm going to have to just call out the entire run of 3-2-1 Contact for this one. Has there ever been a more fascinating instructional children's series? From it's unexplainably catchy theme song to its soothing narration, I would have believed anything the Contact people would have told me as a kid. I still remember to this day the difference between alligators and crocodiles because of that show (One's uglier, right?). And I must have been five years old!! It's very strange, I tell you.

Best Late Night Series That Still Haunts My Dreams (Many Years Later) — Holy crap did Freddy's Nightmares scare the crap out of me! I wouldn't admit to it then. But I will now. It was freaky. I want the series to finally come out on all-episode DVD so I can finally figure out why I was such a wuss. Let's keep this one a secret.

Best Supporting Neighbor In A Series — In a grudge match between Boner from Growing Pains and Vinnie from Doogie Howser M.D. , Vinnie wins by a hair. If only for the fact that I don't believe Boner was ever allowed to fully grow as a character. By the way, is anyone else hoping that Vinnie finally moves up the ranks on next season's Sopranos? I think he's really earned it, if just for putting up with the Doogster and all his psychobabble for all those years.

Worst Supporting Neighbor In A Series — Wilson on Home Improvement made me hate fences as a kid! Seriously! What a cock tease! Show us your face, weirdo!

Best And Worst Game Show You Wouldn't Admit To Liking — Does anyone else remember the USA Network's Strip Poker back in the day? Or is it just me? It was one of those train wrecks that you just couldn't turn away from. It was a welcome guilty pleasure, I watched many episodes and I still can't believe it actually existed. I can't even find it on Google. I think it's been erased.

So that's it for now. The best thing about "The Retroactive Alternative Emmys?" They never stop. Yes. They can happen more than once a year. So I'm sure I'll be returning to them sometime in the near future. Depending on your views, that can be a promise or a threat. Ain't nostalgia great?

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